How to guarantee you
WON'T get the job!
A little interview humor
In the course of reviewing thousands of resumes,
attending numerous job fairs and conducting various interviews,
I have become convinced that information systems professionals
must be one of the most benevolent groups in the world.
For the most part, you folks seem absolutely dedicated to
helping your job competitors succeed, using every device
imaginable to trip yourselves up to that others can move
into the positions you want.
| If you are committed
to the deal of self-sacrifice, here are some of
the most dependable ploys you can use to make sure
you don't make the final cut. |
| 1. |
Resume/cover letter. This is your
first chance to make a poor impression. Make copies
of a form letter but write in the name of the
person you're sending it to. Add an opening line
such as "After much research, I have decided
that [handwrite in the company name] is uniquely
suited as the target of my job search." Attach
a resume with poor grammar and misspelled words.
Fill it with trivia or glittering generalities
that describe nothing.
|
| 2. |
Inappropriate
personal appearance. Not too many programmers are
really locked away in backrooms anymore and allowed
no contact with the user community. IS directors
are concerned with form as well as substance. They'd
like their staffs to be perceived as part of the
business team. Tennis shoes, blue jeans, striped
shirts with plaid ties, miniskirts or excessive
makeup go a long way to deflect any perception that
you are someone who could function well in a business
setting. |
| 3. |
Don't learn
anything about the company. This will slow your
lack of interest and make the company feel you are
looking for just another job. |
| 4. |
Don't articulate
what you can do for them. The truly competitive
candidate will not let an interview end without
expressing how his/her skills and experience can
help solve the company's problems - both immediate
and long term. |
| 5. |
Don't know
what you're looking for. When asked what you want
to do, answers such as "I can do anything"
or "What jobs are open?" will generally
result in a short interview. This allows more time
for those candidates who have some idea of their
career goals. |
| 6. |
Focus on
trivial details, IS managers want people who understand
the importance of details but do not lose sight
of the big picture and the bottom line. Ask, "What
kind of terminal will I use?" Fill you resume
with things like "I opened a VSAM file"
and "I was voted Ms. Congeniality in my sorority."
This theme of trivial highlights can be carried
on from resume through interview. |
| 7. |
Be inflexible.
The nature of our society in general and IS in particular
is that things will change. The job you interview
for today may be different tomorrow. Be sure to
indicate what you want, what you expect and what
you require. Make no concessions on the type of
applications, the platform, methodology, salary,
location and benefits. A rigid state of mind will
also clue the interviewer that you'll probably be
a management problem. |
| 8. |
Ask what
the company can do for you, not what you can do
for the company. In other words, forget that you
are the seller and the company is the buyer. As
soon as possible, ask about salary, benefits, vacation,
disability insurance, comp time and your parking
space. |
| 9. |
Don't ask
questions, and don't answer any. An interview is
a two-way street. Experienced interviewers often
evaluate candidates by the significance and depth
of questions they ask. Therefore, play it safe and
avoid probing questions such as the following: "Why
is the position open: What happened to the last
person in this position? What would you expect me
to be able to do coming in the door? What is the
career path?" When you're asked questions,
try to respond in monosyllabic words or noises.
Dance around the question with a barrage of words
and tangential anecdotes - and hope the asker forgot
the question. |
| 10. |
Sell yourself
as a computer nerd. Forget that software and hardware
are merely tools to solve business problems or enable
users to make informed and timely decisions. |
|
I see these techniques used every day. It is not necessary
to use all of them, or are they listed in any order of importance.
Two or three will usually suffice. As the benefactors of
your efforts get the better positions, you may take solace
in the fact that all of your years of education, training
and experience have not stood in their way.
Article courtesy of:
Computer Careers Weekly
Authored by: David Bourbonnais
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